Wednesday, February 9, 2011

So confused

I've been keeping a big dark secret for quite some time. It's not that I don't trust anyone, but, yeah okay I don't trust anyone!! However, I am at a point where I just neeeeed to talk about it. Hear what everyone has to say. Afterall, we are all different and certainly share different perspectives on life.

Here it is....

For awhile now hubby and I have toyed with the idea of moving back to Calgary. It isn't one of those we hate Mexico and can't believe we live here situations. No, no. Our situation is quite unique compared to others. For starters, I am a caregiver to my stepmom Joy who I love to death. I am not her sole caregiver, we work as a team, but it is a unique situation. I am not "free" to do as other expats are. Heck, I don't even write about it in fear she reads my blog and feels as if she's a burden.

The reality is her health is deteriorating quicker than we had hoped or imagined. Joy is an amazing person who was hoping to challenge this disease long enough so that she would be able to live in Mexico which was always a goal for her. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed at the young age of 50 and the goal of "retiring" in paradise was expedited. Joy and my father decided to move here and enjoy whatever time Joy had/has left. Well, the time is coming where they need to return in the weeks to come as feeding tubes, etc... Are going to be a reality.

With that in mind, do I stay here in Cancun? Or do I go back to Canada and be there with them? This is not my only reason believe me. I am thinking long-term. I am not yet 30 years old, however, I am planning for my future. I am thinking savings, government pension, benefits, company pension, free health care. My list could go on and on. These are all huge for me. Canada offers me stability, and security. Most people I know here laugh at the thought of ever owning their own home, buying a new car, savings and I mean real savings. I'm not saying everyone I know is like this, but a lot are.

On the other hand, Mexico is my new home. I am growing to love it more and more as time passes. Sure there are still things I loathe, but -20 is not looking so great right now. We have fantastic friends here in Cancun. I am afforded the time to spend with them as I work from home for a family business. I don't make good money (at all), however, I have time. I am able to spend the day with my dogs, family, friends whenever I please. In Canada that is not a reality. Traffic, work, life events all get in the way.

I am truthfully just blabbering, I know. One day soon I will have to sit down and really write about this. Really get into my true feelings, and really dig deep. I don't want to mention this to my friends back home as the news will spread from "I'm thinking about moving back" to "OMG they are moving back". I just can't deal with my mom's dissapointment in case we don't!!! So fortunately for me this is my canvas to let it all out.

What are all your thoughts? For all you other expats what do you think?? For those of you who are thinking about, or have thought about moving abroad, what do you think??

Again, just a bunch of blabbering....My apologies if I did not make any sense. That is just me trying to make sense of this all.

***Also, here is an address for Joy's story, and some information on ALS http://www.hopeforjoy.ca/ ***


10 comments:

Leah Flinn said...

Oh Lauren, I am so sorry for the situation you're in. I lost a dear friend to ALS when I was high school, and can tell you the road ahead will be difficult, but only you can choose what is right for your situation. Have peace about your decision, and don't forget to take of yourself in all that lies ahead. Praying for you and Gil.

gringationcancun said...

Hey Lauren!

Sorry to hear about your stepmom... I know you love her so much. I hope the following months are peaceful for her.

I might have some helpful comments on certain doubts that you mentioned, but I'd rather not post them here. Could you send me your e-mail address? lau.winfree@hotmail.com

KfromMichigan said...

Sorry to hear about your step-Mom. I wish here well (and you too.) Being a caregiver is very hard .. I am caregiver to my Mom of 88 yrs. She has arthritis really bad in her knees. People can give you advise, but the decision is yours and Hubby's. Would it be possible to live in both places? So you could benefit from what Canada has to offer. I know healthcare is very important. And saving money is a necessity. Say live in Cancun during the cold winter months (Dec.-March.) Tough decision Amiga, but you will make the right one.

Brendan & Louise said...

Oh Lauren I am so sorry. You are so strong for taking such great care of your stepmom, this is a responsibility most young people our age have never had to worry about.

I have only been in Mexico for 3 months and I think about my life back in Calgary everyday. I am constantly weighing the good and bad. Its hard because I worked so hard for this, and I miss Calgary everyday. I skype with my family, and its just not the same. I know the first year is always the hardest, but I constantly question my being here. It is normal to feel this way. The answer will come to you, but Cancun is not a bad place to be while you contemplate what to do with your life :) xoxoxo L

shannon said...

Thinking of you and your step mom at this time.
I can’t imagine how hard this decision must be for you.
Reading your post I can see how close you are to your family. To some family is everything
You will have pros/cons to both moving home and staying in Mexico. If you choose to move back to Calgary the option of returning to Mexico (one day)will always be there for you.
Only you will know which road to travel. Follow your heart it will lead you!
Good luck and take care of yourself!

John said...

Real sorry to hear about your step mom. You'll always have Mexico but not your step mom. Did'nt your husband just got his Canadian citizenship? It is worth giving Canada another try. Like Shannon said, follow your heart. You and your family are in my prayers.

On Mexican Time said...

Leah - Thank you I appreciate your thoughts! I'm sorry about your friend as well...ALS is a horrible disease, and unless you know anything about it, it's very hard to truly understand the depth! As for the situation, you're absolutely right I do need to make the decision. It's so hard.

Gringation - Thanks amiga. I really do love her so much, she has been such an integral part of my life. It's so hard to watch her deteriorate so quickly...

i emailed you, get back to me when you can.

KfromMich - Thank you very much. Yes, being a caregiver is verrrry difficult, and I'm at a point where I can barely handle it anymore. Not physically, but emotionally.

We'd love to live in both places to be honest, but when will we be able to work? That's the issue...Where would we live? Etc...We are so confused right now...A lot to think about!!!

Louise - Thanks amiga, I really appreciate it.

Ohhh the first few months are the toughest, but it gets better, and then worse again! LOL!! I always think about moving, but then I think why? Can I imagine -30 days again!!! Makes me cringe!! I love Calgary, and do miss it a lot, but the weather....EEEK!!! You are doing such a great job in PV, and now that you are starting a new adventure you'll love it more!!! You're right, Cancun is much better than...Winnipeg! LOL!!! xox

On Mexican Time said...

Shannon - Thank you so much, and yes, my family and I are VERY close. To me, family is numero uno!!

It is such a hard decision, and it really sucks we are in a position that we even have to think about it. I hate that. You sure are right, we do have to make a list of our pros/cons soon... A lot of planning to do, either way!!! I think if we do go back to Cgy, I won't be moving back to Mexico any time soon...I just want to settle down finalllly!!!! Thank you for your thoughts :)

John - Thank you so much for the kind message :) Yes, hubby did just receive his Cdn citizenship, so that is great news if we do go back! I have lined up a bunch of job interviews for when I'm there in March. I think I'm going to wait and see what happens with them.... I love Calgary, but the darn winters... Oh, and the summers aren't much better!! Thanks again :)

Jane said...

Lauren, I just stumbled on your interesting blog from "Refried Dreams". Horrible "pickle" you are in - such a difficult decision. I have spent the past 2 yrs on "Stop & Go", orchestrating "Leave of Absences" from work and then putting them on hold again with the possibility of moving myself & two kids to El Salvador. With regards to returning to Canada for financial future security - I absolutely understand your feelings. In my situation, I have kids - so I think that is what makes all the difference - I have to consider the fact that giving up my University position means that my kids' University education would then NOT be paid by my benefits/perks, the education in El Salvador was over budget of what I (as an English speaking person only) would be paid in El Salvador. If I did not have kids right now, I would have taken the lumps and moved on with the Latin American adventure. Your family ties are very important - but at least you are only a few hours away by plane to Calgary and "home" is not far afield like Asia.

On Mexican Time said...

Jane - Welcome and thanks for such a well thought out comment! You are definitely right about having children making a world of a difference when it comes to your decision making. In fact I have thought about the future quite a bit, and when we do have children - where will be better for them? My head really tells me Canada, but my heart tells me they'd be okay here in Mexico too. Wow - El Salvador? I'll have to check out your blog and see why!! Thanks for commenting, much appreciated :)